2019: Simplicity (+ Patience)

Instead of setting New Year’s Resolutions, I’m setting intentions because to me they seem much more doable and realistic. I recently flipped through some old journals and to my dismay most of my issues were the same and it felt like I was living in this perpetual time-loop. Groundhog Day? No thanks. Not moving forward but backwards, once again falling back onto this unhealthy mental environment. Nevertheless this year, when the clock struck 12:01 am into January 1st, my heart fluttered with so much joy and hope. For the first time I actually lived into the present this past Eve, laughed and cried (of happiness), sang and danced, wine and dined in a greasy hole-in-the wall burrito joint with so much love sans any numbing of myself through forced expectations and inauthenticity.

I don’t think that I’ve ever been transparent with the world 100%. There has always been a filter, a quick edit of words, a smile to hide sorrow, and a quick swipe of waterproof mascara for good measure to look acceptable. Why can’t I just do things just for the sake of doing things without overloading my brain with what-ifs or shoulds? I guess I’ve mastered the art of hiding because most people that I meet shower me compliments for my bubbly personality, my very french laissez-faire attitude about the life, and quirky fashion taste that either resembles a well polished art-hoe of a grandmother or a high vibe bohemian from the late 60s-- either way, that’s only the part of me that seems real at times.

These past 2 years were one hell of a rollercoaster. It rode through family and friend drama, my grandfather’s passing, my seemingly gradual but dramatic weight loss, my first ever romantic relationship, my computer crash during the most critical moments of writing and submitting my senior thesis, my college graduation, and my first ever heart-break with other little nuggets in between. You get the point, it got me feelin’ some type of way but I kept the train going no matter what, and reflecting back I’m pretty freaking proud of myself. It may not have been perfect, but nothing ever really is.

One of my mom’s clients/family friend highlighted a very significant trait that I have that I never acknowledge. “Lisa, you’re an end-goal type of person, not a journey-person and that’s ok. You can’t change that.” She basically called me a control-freak but in a very nice and polite way. Something hit me that day, and it just got me thinking about how I go about things in general. I disguise my deathly fear of failure through control. I’m such a weak and fearful person who is terrified of failure and rejection. The thought of me making the wrong decision makes me nauseous. My head goes spinning, my heart starts beating out of my chest, my palms get all clammy and I just wanna bolt out the door. In my mind if I made one wrong decision it could derail me from living a happy and successful life. It’s honestly mad for me to even think about everything in this capacity. It’s also that day when I realized I wasn’t mentally healthy anymore. I drove my brain past the point of overload, injected my body will cortisol mindlessly like some meth-head, to the point in which no hippy dippy herbal supplement that I was obsessed with could even cure. Instead, I picked myself right back up ready to shoot up again like it was no big deal.

I was desensitizing my mind and body to my unhealthy lifestyle. I was missing out on so many things around me simply because I was ignorant to my mental and physical well-being. I know that there are many things that are wrong with me, but in the same regard, there were also many things that were right with me, and for me to actively choose to see and feel the wrong willingly...was a huge problem. Luckily with my science background I know that not all hope is lost. The brain, my brain, YOUR brain who embodies both the beauty and sublime, can heal all wounds. Which leads me back to the themes for my New Year’s Intentions: simplicity and patience. I initially only wrote simplicity because it also implies patience, but that’s also what I want to focus on this year. Taking it back to the basics, one-by-one, day-by-day, minute-to-minute. This was my time, my choices, my journey and no one else’s. Life isn’t a rat-race. Life was not designed to be compared to, manipulated, or hurried. It was designed for us to unravel and discover our strengths and weaknesses, to learn and grow, to celebrate our love for those that are most near and dear to our hearts, to love humanity with forbearance, and to seek the truth and wisdom that had been given to us the day we took our first breath on this earth. With that being said, I hope you find simplicity in your day and appreciate how far you’ve come!

Much Love,

Leese ☽